Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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