Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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