you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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