I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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