I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
