In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
