1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
