Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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