WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
