there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
