it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize