Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just forgot I was standing up.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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