my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
