batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize