Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
