counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
