I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
