Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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