I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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