please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
