last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
