My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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I need you to use more vowels.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
