Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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