The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
