So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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