hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
