I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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