No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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