All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
