Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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