just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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