Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize