Christians are straight up FREAKS
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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