remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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