Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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