whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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