She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
