New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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