Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
