i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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