I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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