Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
