there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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