Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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