It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
