just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
