He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
