I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
