FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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