There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
