So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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