I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
