I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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