Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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