Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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