theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
