Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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